October

This is my finals week, my Super Bowl…

I am a party soldier, brimming with discipline. I am called to a Higher Purpose and for this reason, I serve.

Adding to the chorus that I felt more alive at Mom Prom than I have in a while.

It still feels a lil strange to me that attendees to that show think of The Dazzler as a band, like any other band. They don’t even know we’re just like pretending to be a real band. some people even really like our fake band.

While this is strange to me, I was reflecting on how my band mates are all people who create high quality, interesting creative works. So it actually makes sense that we’re cooking.

The thing about walking alone through the city streets at night is you actually have to stay vigilante and aware of your surroundings. Like that is no joke. Otherwise you might miss seeing one of the stray cats in the alley. If you are walking with someone else you can be slightly less vigilante because they can also be scanning for cats. Safety in numbers.

Dating a caring and thoughtful man is great in most ways but unfortunately Silver Springs isn’t quite hitting the way it used to. Like hmm ok so I guess you’re just going to let me love you??

septemner

I just found out that pushing and rubbing and smashing my eyeballs all around is “bad for them” and I need to “resist the urge” it’s like Everytime i think I have this shit under control I learn something new.

Shid… I am the person I have been working to become….

Smashed some grocery store sushi then some guy called me a bitch in the urgent care waiting room and they kicked him out. Nurse said sorry about it I said no worries she said “it’s St. Louis y know”

These people are not going to be able to help me I hate the doctor.

August

I love the arts but don’t even get me started on crafts

Not really feeling like so much of a girl boss today.

Couldn’t help but to girl boss anyway

July

Ate a bug while playing my flute, ain’t that just the way

Hash tag professional posting…

The good part of a busy work week is that I get to see the impact of my work on doctors and patients…. The bad part is I have to spend more time in uncomfortable pants….

Woof. Working through all sorts of ailments today (sleepy, stomach hurt).

Although I am still recovering from That Crazy Thing We Did, I already feel like I need to plan The Next Big Adventure. Trying to exhibit restraint by focusing on options that are fun and a little bit challenging without actually requiring super human levels of physical and mental fortitude.

Holee shid it’s July. Eaves dropping on a stranger complain about her boyfriend not doing enough for her birthday month. Sounds ridiculous but she might actually be right, guy seems lame.

June

Officially signed up for the Big Race.

After the river trip there is only before the river trip

So tired I fell asleep in my work bra (unnatural)

May

Making huges moves. Put on my new windshield wipers that have been sitting in my garage since….

It took me a minute but I focused on looking at the pieces and figuring out how they went together.

This mentality is what I am trying to bring to my Minecraft game. I like Minecraft but I wish you could flirt with the villagers. that’s a miss. Suggestions for what to build next?

Little boy in my Jorts

————————————-

I am so effing excited for vacaaaatiioooonn!!

I am going to paddle, make big fires, kiss, hike, chill, swim, etc.

When your life is overrun by blessings and generosity, do you remind your self that you deserve none of it or that you deserve good and beautiful things?

I think both are helpful. Can both be true?

//

Back in the Old Dominion….

My life is full of planes, trains, and automobiles driven by my kind and generous friends <3

//

I don't really have anything funny or insightful to say this morning but I can keep it real...

Going to my little brother's college graduation (!!!) this weekend. I am very proud of him and hope we have fun. Family time....

Said goodbye to Smell last night. We are separately out of town for 2 weekends, which is kind of a bummer. I love to hang out with that dude!

April

They’ve eliminated like a third of our government but not a third of my taxes….

Taking the canoe out tomorrow, finally!!!!

last day of March

Money = 0

Brain = 0

Sleepy = 50

Chill = 100

march 28

Some people have very active family group chats and some people are normal adults who think that’s a little weird.

Plane crash episode of greys anatomy…. On a Friday no less…

march 22

Having your mom visit is about having 60 emotions at once and parsing through them once she is safely back on the airplane.

march 20

For someone who is pretty outspoken about the perils of social media I am LOGGING THE HOURS on LinkedIn.

it’s actually worse than instagram because I care more about people’s accomplishments than their weddings/babies/pets. I’d rather my nemesis get engaged than get a Fulbright.

March 14

I am experiencing an interesting side effect of removing myself as much as possible from the national economy.

I am getting flashbacks and ensuing feelings of horror thinking about how much time I have spent in box stores (Walmart, Target, TJ Maxx). All those racks and shelves of shit. Hours of my life spent digging for a deal.

Time and experiences really are the greatest luxuries.

Now my Friday afternoon errands look like picking up freshly roasted coffee from my favorite shop, eggs and vanilla paste from the market, and weed from my favorite neighborhood locally-owned dispo. It’s so much more pleasant.

Feb 26

Obviously, everyone knows that how we charge, bill, and pay for medical services in this country is terrible. What you may not realize is behind the scenes it’s even worse than you imagine

Feb 25

Continuing with my efforts to remove myself from the national economy…

In this pay period, all my grocery and restaurant money has gone to locally owned biz, so that rocks. This is an easy bucket to go local, but it did require a level of intentionality.

I did have to buy a plane ticket for my brothers graduation. Not ideal, but not a ton of realistic options for traveling 1600 miles in 4 days….

Similarly, car insurance got me this month, which can’t be good. I am sure there is a better option to get insurance, but there is only a very small amount of mental energy I can dedicate to purchasing car insurance every year. Plus how much better are alternative options even. And how much more $$$ because that shiz is not cheap! If anyone has any suggestions, hit my line.

Otherwise, I spent my dollars at the upcycled craft stores, the post office, and the yoga studio. Love it!

Who do you give your money to?

Happy spending!

Feb 23

Warm weather! Yippee!

Enjoying the highs and enduring the lows of the female corpus…..

Feb 19

I just touched down on planet instagram for 30 seconds and my day is worse for it.

??

I miss my cat

Feb 12

Made a questionable purchase yesterday. I wanted a fancy new pen so I checked out a funky little shop that was recommended to me. I ended up spending more than anticipated on a fountain pen that I don’t super love…. I should have realized the plastic body would irk me before buying.

Chocking this up to “supporting local flavor” in the city and writing it off as a charitable donation….

Feb 6

Back to feeling like a regular loser with a lame job. Also sleepy.

Feb 5

Ugh got to work too early. I could have been cozy for another 20 minutes :(

Feb 3 2025

In a time of unexpected professional success and growth.

Feels strange to have A Career. You spend all this time as A Student preparing for A Career. You work for a little bit but you don’t have A Career, just a job. Then one day people start calling you because they know you are who they are supposed to call. And then you have A Career.

Sometimes I think “did I ever even want this Career?” And the answer is yes, actually I went to school and did a bunch of work and made some sacrifices so it stands to follow that I did want it. But certainly some people don’t and I get that too.

it’s nice to work hard at something that matters. I have to remind myself of that because sometimes it feels like nothing matters. And if nothing matters I’d rather just get high and do little drawings and look at the sky or whatever. But somethings do matter. And I get to work to make them better.

Jan 31

Busy week, busy Friday.

So weird to be an adult with a job.

Jan 30

Finally caught some ZZZs last night.

At work I am slinging out emails. Passing along slide decks. Making connections. Reporting metrics. Pulling levers. Pressing buttons.

Jan 29

Working a lot and sleeping little this week.

Good projects at work though.

Jan 28

Geez I really got myself worked up on here yesterday.

Having the kind of week where I open a document on my laptop called Manifesto, type for an hour, then exit without saving

Accessing the electronic medical record is both terrifying and exhilarating

Jan 27

Good morning flounderverse. Feeling sleepy today.

I have continued to “remove myself from the economy”. Things are going well except I was reflecting on my Uber usage this weekend. Will have to think about that and consider alternatives. Not a common situation for me though. I’m also thinking about Good Will, Salvation Army, etc…. Those will be harder to completely eliminate but I have scratched my “shopping” itch for now and will start first with local organizations going forward.

I love my neighborhood and all its little shops. I used to think shopping local, esp for food, was prohibitively expensive. When you are a broke student you allow yourself to buy the poison vegetables. No more. Turns out buying a bunch of junk every week simply because you are at Target is expensive and instead buying only food is actually relatively affordable. Plus it results in less stupid plastic crap in my apartment. I am an adult with a job and can spend $8 on butter at the local market if i should choose to do so.

Will continue to prioritize buying high quality foodstuffs from businesses I respect over other kinds of spending. ReInvesting the money I would have spent on “needs” that I actually never needed and in fact won’t ever think about if I dont see them in a store or in an ad.

Jan 20

My favorite earring fell out of my ear and exploded on the ground.

I picked up the biggest two pieces so I could glue them together

Then the broken piece fell out of my pocket into the lake.

When it is time for something to end you can’t argue with it. You must love with an open palm

Jan 19

Really nice weekend (desperately needed)

Enjoyed some thrift scores today (meat thermometer, pastry cutter, cool pillow, candy jar, etc)

Yummy food, friends, fulfilling my carnal desires…. This is what good days are made of!

Smell is so sweet 2 me.

Now it is back to work! I like going job mode sometimes. Job Me is really on top of her game. Tomorrow shouldn’t be too bad, running one meeting and coordinating a few others.

Also looking forward to getting some sewing done this week. I have been in a project zone this month. I love honing in and getting it done. Ambitious goal is to finish piecing the front of my quilt (scary), attainable goal is to assemble this vest vision I have been envisioning.

Grappling with the reality that almost nothing on my phone is interesting to me anymore. Facebook has really put a sour taste in my mouth lately. Flounder is good, I play connections, and check my email. Not much else for me in this space. Just as well.

Going to get in my warm shower with pink lights. Brush my teeth really well. Crawl into my delicious bed, warmed by my heated blankets. Slather myself in lotions and potions. Drink some iced, filtered water. Turn on NBC’s New Girl at a low volume and get! Some! Rest!

Jan 18

Took the canoe out today. It was _literally_ freezing. It’s such a nice activity. Getting donuts and coffee on the way is a great part.

Now I am eating sour patch kids in bed under my heated blanket.

Jan #14

It’s crazy days. I am hating the snow and I hate that I am hating the snow. I fell down for the first time tonight. I have been having a string of the kind of days where falling hard on your ass could really break me, but tonight it wasn’t so bad.

The new moon has not yet healed me as I expected.

Dec 29

It is so good to be home

Dec hmmmm…

Nothing says welcome home like a letter, letting you know your water might be full of lead.

So I’ll have a root beer

Dec 26 2024

Coming to the end of this experience. I thought I may have some grand revelatory experience. Instead it was more like a batch of quiet, calm, subtle revelations. We are frail and resilient. I love my family. I am one cohesive person even when I feel like I have 2 or 3 or 4 separate lives. I can be honest. Shame is a weakness disguised as strength. My mom and I can be so similar it makes me a little queasy. External praise is never a good enough motivator (you’re not going to get as much of it as you think you will). Vulnerability fosters a sense of safety. We must must must take care of each other.

Officially celebrated Dads Day for the first time this year. This is a holiday where you go see your dad the day after Christmas. Most often celebrated at non-residential establishments.

Dec 24 2024

My brother was internet bullying some dude on the polar express Reddit page while we watched it this year.

Interesting Christmas this year. I feel a little wacko but not our worst by any means. Feel s like I am seeing things in a new light. I’ve been hungry a lot and inside most the time. I think everyone else is having a good time.

Oh my god I went to the dentist today. Terrible terrible terrible. Why would they paint the walls bright green there?!?

Dec 23 2024

More hungover than I have been all year.

Wedding dress shopping today!!!!

Dec 21 2024

This is the longest I have spent where I’m “from” since I “left”. I guess everyone has somewhere they are “from” and this is mine. It’s not so bad any more. But normally I am somewhere and I am not from there. And people say “are you from here?” And I say “no I am from somewhere else”. But now I am from here and no one has even asked me if I am from there, because I know all of them already, because we’re all from the same place, here, where we all are now.

It’s been really rewarding to be able to help my mom. I would do anything for her.

If you were in town for four weeks and your dad lived 20 minutes away how many times would you expect to see him?

Been doing some epic holiday bakes. I just candied literally one thousand nuts and it drove me to the brink of madness. I peered over the edge and retreated. Sticky sticky sticky.

Dec ?? 2024

Did you guys know there used to be a McBarge on the down town river front….

Oct 22 2023

Have decided that by the time i go to bed to day i will have a dresser. The current situation is untenable.

Oct 3 23

Happy Monday :) I don't feel like doing any work today :) so I am not going to :)

This weekend was restful and fun and chill and nice. I am maybe a little bit in love, which is enjoyable. I am surprised that it has stayed so fun for so long. I do give myself a lot of credit for being nice and normal about it.

Agreeing with @mothbaby on a soft sober October. I am trying to be more present in my body and also keep more money present in my bank account, so I think this will be a good decision on all fronts.

Sept 29 23

TGIF! This week was long, but i feel as though I did my job well. I slept forbout 11 hours last night, which I really needed. Thats winter time baby.

I am thinking of going on a long run tomorrow. Before party!! i am so excited for party!! I have been looking forward to it for weeks! @bugleague in the lou!

24kGoldn and BabyJake said it best in their truly mediocre song Cigarettes on Patio, i am looking forward to "...smoking cigarettes on patios ...drinking beer with my friends".

also did 'forbout' give you pause in the first paragraph? i am thinking of starting somethin...

Sept 26 23

Did surprisingly well at bar trivia. I knew ernest hemmingway wrote death in the afternoon! like right away too. kinda major.

Went on a run in TGP today and I saw a group of like actually 150 people running together. All different ages and general vibe. I chickened out on asking what they were doing.

I am reading about cells and enjoying it.

Sept 25 23

Making my valiant return to the flounderverse for the winter. I graduated and shut my laptop for 3 months. its good to be back, although I fear my personal computer (PC) may have succumb to a virus.

I am ready for the winter. can't believe it. I think I might get really sad this winter, but not in a way I am dreading. Decided that probably mid november I am going to screen eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and officially inaugurate sad season.

Plus you hate to say it but a winter cigarette has something to it.

I AM dreading November. Anyone going anywhere fun/interesting to hang out over Thanksgiving? Don't really want to be in VA or STL

May 8 2023

Good morning flounderverse :)

This past weekend was quite literally off the freaking chain.

I had a kick ass time at beerstravaganza #3 on Friday night. We laughed, we cried, we drank, we smoked, we held eachother nice and close.

Saturday morning was a kind of hell previously unknown to me. I puked out of my car window while I was driving past young families with strollers enjoying their morning at TGP. Fortunately, I was eventually revived by a QT sausage egg and cheese crossaint and an icy cold diet coke.

Then me and @mothbaby headed to Cherokee for Cinco de Mayo. We were working with the South City Harm Reduction collective to hand out Narcan and Fentanyl test strips. We straight up ROCKED it. We handed out probably like 300(ish?) boxes of narcan. then we ate some delicious corn and smoked some funky weed. i love @mothbaby.

Then I ate a bunch of chinese food alone in my apartment, which can be so powerful in its own way.

Sunday I set out to lay in a creek. Me and @eliza journeyed south to St. Francois state park and enjoyed a truly gorgeous hike. There was an astounding lack of trash and the stream was spring fed. I wasable to lay down and splash around to my hearts desire.

All in all, this weekend smelt like sunscreen, beer, bug spray, and ganj. Its summer time! In St Louis! and I love it! and all of you!

April 25 2023

goooooooddddd mmorrniINNGnnGG fLouUUNNDDEeeRRRVERSE!

Happy Tuesday! I am being a busy little bee this week, but all good stuff.

I really enjoyed my high performance computing class yesterday. If anyone wants to talk about LLMs, hit my line! I have many concerns. Every time I leave that class I just have thoughts thoughts thoughts. Feels good to get my brain blood pumping.

Tonight i am seeing LIZZO with my love, my life, my Eliza. I dont have a cool outfit planned but Lizzo will look hot enough for the both of us I am sure.

This weekend I am John Denvering (going home to Virginia). It is my mama's birthday and I am excited to hang out with her and Luberry.

I very much relate to @idi's most recent journal post. I, too, have a lovely little life that i can't seem to fully relax into. Everyday when I try and have my "chill out" time, i am worried that I forgot something at work or I am supposed to be at a meeting or what if my landlord is mad at me or did i remember to turn off my curling iron or what if my friends are lying to me or what if i wake up tomorrow and there is no more money in my bank account. We are, however, getting better. I think it is one of the perils/joys of living alone. Sometimes its easy (especially when its warm out at night and you live by the park) and sometimes it is hard, but I think I am making real progress towards enjoying my life.

April 23 2023

Howdy howdy howdy. This weekend has been a delight. Show @ The Splash Pad (TM) on Friday was as fun as always. I love being silly goofy let the good times roll with my friends.

Saturday me and @princess-jesus and @unclealtoid went and looked at a bunch of apartments and generally beep booped around the city.

I got a approved for the apartment I applied for so I am very hashtag exiteD!

Saturday night I went bowling in the loop. i had not been there is a while-- it was, for lack of a better term, hoppin! That was fun fun lovely lovely.

now it is sunday and I have just returned from the Symphony. The symphony is so good and you should all check it out. The crowd is kinda full of a bunch of mean old bats, but the music was good.

Kiss kiss love u

April 18 2023

Time to self disclose via Flounder diary.

Yesterday I suffered a mortification that I KNOW i will be thinking about late night for the foreseeable future. I told a classmate that I always have to stop myself from laughing in our professor face during class and of course he was standing DIRECTLY behind me. But I enjoy his class and he is funny and makes me laugh! but it sounded so mean :/ Dr. Mudigonda if you're reading this I love you.

Last night the cops knocked on my door (neighbors fighting again). I opened it at like 10 pm and then immediately was like, why would i do that?? But ultimately i am chismosa and need to know what is going on.

My neighbor was really strung out (#fail) and also opened the door (#fail). She was clearly high (so was I, but not like *that*) and the cops deduced that she was the one they were looking for.

The cop was super hot also. He looked like Idris Elba with a beard. He looked like he would smell really good. Unfortunately the wellness check from Mr. SexyCopMan did not resolve the issue at all (SHOCKER!) but at least they were respectful about their complete ineffectiveness.

My new passive resistance to the constant screaming is to add my own screaming to the mix. I hope my neighbors like Fleetwood Mac