Dear Big Green Girl,

My wife just died! Soon after, I moved to Seattle with my son, Jonah. So far, so good, right? But then Jonah called into a talk-radio program to try to find me a new wife. A reporter in Baltimore was listening to the program and fell in love with me through Jonah’s words. But the reporter is engaged! She wrote me a letter asking to meet me at the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. So far, so good, right? But how do I punish Jonah for disobeying me by calling into the radio show? I have clearly told him not to do that, and then as soon as I walked out of the room, in Seattle, he picked up the phone and called in! Enough is enough is what I’m thinking.

Well-rested,

Good Dad in Seattle

----------------------------

Dear Good Dad in Seattle,

Thank you for your vulnerability and for entrusting me with your parenting failures. It can be frustrating to have to confront the consequences of the realities of the implications of the results of the decisions you either made or did not make or did not have the opportunity to either make or to not make.

My first piece of advice for you is that the next time you want to have a meaningless sexual romp with an unknown fluzy, maybe you should consider finding one thats a family therapist, you grade A slut. Your wife if freshly dead, you're scouting the whole country for a new box to munch, and you wonder why your adolescent son has no respect for your boundaries? Get real.

My second piece of advice is to pound sand.

Sincerely yours,

Big Green Girl